Here is the post I thought I deleted. Turns out I'm just not good with Smart phones. Since I wrote most of this before my last post, I kinda Tarantino'd it.

I realized that the only thing I've been writing on has been where I was in my addiction. I'd like to write about where I am today in my recovery, and also how my addiction has manifested itself in other ways.

Recovery has a lot to offer. I have learned to accept myself for who I am, my character defects and all, while trying to accept others for who they are. I found it's a lot easier to accept myself than others. When I accept myself I learn to understand my actions and take a look at why I do what I do. I don't always like the answer I get, but I always get an answer.

I have gained so many strong relationships through the program. People who understand me at the deepest level. They know my fears and my struggles because they are either going  through it too or have already gone through it. How can a friend outside the program understand me seeing a leaf on the ground and wanting to use over it ? Sounds ridiculous but believe me, its happened.

I think the most important thing I've gained in the past 2 years would have to be my relationship with my Higher Power. I have gained strength through Him like you wouldn't believe, like I wouldn't have believed 2 years ago. I pray every morning and every night, and whenever I need to during the day. I heard a good line in a meeting once, 'I don't care if there's a God or not, but believing in one works for me'. That made perfect sense to me, because I over think everything. But I do have proof today of a Higher Power and I will write about that another time. I think should dedicate a post for that only. (Which was posted before this, hence the Tarantino'd comment)

Now, for my where my addiction is at now. Like any addict I have no control over the 'how much is too much' part of my brain, I go to too many meetings, or no meetings, I call my sponsor everyday, or not for 2 weeks, I work on steps everyday or never. Why can't I find that balance. I finally started working again and I spend all my time working or sleeping. Then it comes to relationships, oh the need for approval by the opposite sex, from the same sex too I suppose. I've been getting better with that because my 'approval rate' has risen since being clean. I found something out recently. No one likes a dirty, lying drug addict. But people do like the honest, sometimes too honest, still dirty, clean addict. To dig deeper into the opposite sex approval, I have this problem. The problem is I don't know when women are flirting or just being nice. Its made many awkward moments for me in life. And ultimately ended a lot of friendships that I took as being more. I've been told to not read into things too much or quit being neurotic. But I guess that's just me. I suppose one day I'll find a woman as awkward as me, but I'll probably find her unattractive because of her odd ways. The struggle for happiness is real, people!

MORE TO COME OF MY STRUGGLES WITH ADDICTION AND LIFE