Lets try this again. I wrote something earlier but deleted it somehow. I wrote about what recovery has blessed me with, instead of what addiction has cursed me with. So I'm going to take the most important thing out of the deleted post and write on that. My Higher Power, which I choose to call God. "Which I choose to call God." When I used to hear people say that it would piss me off. I'd think to myself, 'You condescending asshole, you think you're so much better because you found your Higher Power?' Well, now I'm apparently that condescending asshole. At one point I wanted to call my Higher Power Frank or Demtri. I was so desperately holding onto my individuality that defined me. I wasn't like you, I'll never be like you, so get use to it. Then something happened to me over and over again, I relapsed. Maybe, just maybe I am like you. Exactly like you,, even down to my need for being apart from the rest. I understand now that I can have my own views and twisted sense of humor and still be like the 70 year old man who has 50 years clean, or the 19 year old with 2 days clean. We are both fighting for our lives.

My Higher Power has shown Himself many times in my life. Whether it's showing me I'm not unique or showing me to help out others in need no matter how much I dislike them. And I really dislike people at times, mostly 75% of the people in my life. Maybe not that high, but I don't like a lot of people.

Here are two very special events that have taken place since being in recovery.

1. While staying in a recovery home in downtown Rockford, I prayed before leaving the house to go to the gas station for cigarettes. I was in the stage of my spirituality where I didn't know who I was praying to or if there was even a God. I prayed, 'God, if you are real, give me a sign, any sign.' Now, to make you understand the weather at the time, it was winter in the Midwest, so yea, it was snowing pretty bad. I start my walk and about halfway there, snow covering every inch of the ground I find a Bible, untouched of snow. I pick the book up and think, 'thats weird'. I'm not a Christian by any means, but maybe at some point in my life that will become an option for me. I don't rule any possibility out anymore. Either way, thats a crazy sign. I figure if there is one God and that's the Christianity God, then Hes made His presence known.

2. This one is unbelievable, well not really, but here goes. February 9, 2014 I woke up on a church pew at a warming shelter. I was dope sick and just plain sick of life. While I am using I have no relationship with my Higher Power, none at all. But this morning I prayed to God to either help me get through this or kill me today, I can't go on like this. I walk from that church to downtown Rockford, making a stop to get dope of coarse. It had to be about 10 degrees that morning. I made my way downtown in clothes that haven't been washed in weeks, and a backpack of dirty socks and underwear. When I finally made my way downtown I found myself a bus transfer and took a bus to a detox center. I walked in and told them my situation and begged for help. They advised me my chances weren't too high. They had appointments for the open beds and on top of that it was winter. People come to get off the streets and get food. So they gave me a ham sandwich and a Sierra Mist and I waited. Eventually, a staff member came in and said they had opened a bed for me. AND they did my laundry for me! Thank God because I was smelling pretty shitty.

I remember thinking I wasn't going to get many more chances like this so I better make this count. However my disease didn't stop there, I had planned on leaving a few days in because I was feeling better. I didn't act through on it, but I thought about it often.

Higher Power, you have saved my life over and over again. I can never thank you enough.

MORE TO COME OF MY STRUGGLES EITH ADDICTION AND LIFE