We hold onto the pain of the past because the fear of change is crippling. Why choose pain and suffering over happiness ? Because pain and suffering is familiar, happiness is foreign. I was with a friend tonight and we talked about the struggles we have, in my life and hers. We found it interesting that we would rather feel pain rather than happiness to feel alive. When I'm happy I have no struggles, no chaos. Lately, my days have been planned out for me before I even wake up. I don't like that. I don't miss the feeling of being dope sick but I do miss the excitement of what I was going to have to do to get drugs. My life was never boring. But I wasn't living, I was existing. I want that excitement but while living. And for awhile, dreaming of building a tree house with my old landlord in an apple orchard on Halloween was sufficient. But my fantasies aren't reality. In reality I'm lazy, becoming over-weight and depressed. I know I'm at the exact place I'm supposed to be but when does that stop being true and turn into procrastination ? I'll tell you when, yesterday. I need to be more disciplined. I need to be Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver. Now, if I can just find a 14 year old hooker and a presidential candidate to assassinate my life would be good. The need for approval of others have dwindled because my connection with others have dwindled. I need to be of service to others for more than a bad example to follow. Things really aren't that bad, they could be worse. I could be drinking piss out of a Budweiser can waiting for my mom to pick me up at a music festival. You see what I did there ? Yea, I'm so clever!

MORE TO COME OF MY STRUGGLES WITH ADDICTION AND LIFE.