I think it's time to show some of the dark side of recovery. It's not always waking up loving the world and the person you've become. There are plenty of mornings I roll off the couch, that's where I fall asleep most nights,  with that same 'I can't wait for the day to be over' attitude I did while using. I still can become very antisocial. Just ask my friends. I get resentful towards everyone for nothing and that is when I'm closest to my next use or drink. Example: I was having one of those days at work. I felt overworked and under appreciated. I asked to go outside to smoke and while out there I saw a Budweiser can, empty, with maybe a half a sip of beer left. It may have even been rain water or piss. Even knowing that, it crossed my mind to drink it. In that moment, in that state of mind, that sip of beer/water/piss was worth all the hard work I've put in. Lets say there was beer in the can, what would that one sip do ? Nothing, besides make me get a bottle of whiskey and a bag of heroin. To the average person this might sound ridiculous, but I shared this at a meeting and people laughed. They didn't laugh because they thought I was crazy. They laughed because they knew what I was going through. My problem isn't drugs and alcohol, my problem is my inability to cope with, well anything! The uncomfortable social situations that arise makes me want to use or drink so if I look awkward, I'm high or drunk and don't care. All the progress I've made I'd throw out the window for a temporary release, if I don't stay focused and spiritually fit. So what does spiritually fit mean to me ? Well, not how I have been acting. I've developed the pattern of disconnecting myself from others because I find it hard to relate to them. There are maybe 2-3 people I've stayed connected with and that's because they either no what I'm going through or help motivate me.

I made a conscious decision the other day to get back on track. To be where I was a month ago. It lasted for about 24 hours and I'm back to taking 4 hour naps after work. Then smoking a few cigarettes, then going back to bed for the night. How do I get out of this rut ? I know how but I'm so content in my self-loathing behaviors that I find it nearly impossible to break. Its like how  when a friend is struggling I'm able to help them by talking to them and giving them a different point of view on things. Only I'm the friend struggling and I'm talking to myself but I'm refusing to listen to my logical side. I have all the answers, this is true, I just don't apply them in my own life. I've been resting on my laurels. I achieved so much in such little time I feel I deserve to take it easy. Theres my ego. I DESERVE to be resentful. I DESERVE to get special treatment and pretty soon it will be  I DESERVE to get high. I forgot what I had to do to get where I am today. I forgot what I had to go through to get back to treatment nearly 7 months ago. That could be another reason I'm struggling. In the past I've never made this far so everything is new grounds to me. Yea, I'm proud of my accomplishments, but I'm also fearful of the unknown. And right now my whole world is the unknown but I'm taking it one day at a time. Tomorrow's a new day with new possibilities.

MORE TO COME OF MY STRUGGLES WITH ADDICTION AND LIFE.