I noticed that throughout the day a lot of my time and energy is wasted on questions that either have no importance in life or all the importance in life. Here are a list of thoughts that cross my mind. What ever happened to that kid from Cuba that came to America on a raft ? I know there's probably about a million but the one where they found him in a closet with that S.W.A.T. guy with his finger on the trigger. Something Gonzalez. That should narrow it down. Where is Bozo the Clown buried? Why do men who look like serial killers/child molesters leave the house looking that way ? How many people STILL mix all the flavors of pop together when they're in the late 20's ? When did we learn to keep a straight face when we are holding in a fart ? I wonder what the car of Jake the snake Roberts smells like ? How unattractive women had to be before razors ? If Helen Keller was blind, deaf and mute how did she learn how to communicate ? But most important, what could I accomplish if I used this energy towards life ? Why does my mind wonder in mid-conversation to useless thoughts ? I try to answer that question but get side tracked by by the Austin Powers theme song in my head. I'm tired of writing about real struggles. These are the thoughts that invade my brain while at work. If I asked people these questions they'd for sure think I'm crazy. One more thing. What happened to the band The Presidents of the United States of America ?

We hold onto the pain of the past because the fear of change is crippling. Why choose pain and suffering over happiness ? Because pain and suffering is familiar, happiness is foreign. I was with a friend tonight and we talked about the struggles we have, in my life and hers. We found it interesting that we would rather feel pain rather than happiness to feel alive. When I'm happy I have no struggles, no chaos. Lately, my days have been planned out for me before I even wake up. I don't like that. I don't miss the feeling of being dope sick but I do miss the excitement of what I was going to have to do to get drugs. My life was never boring. But I wasn't living, I was existing. I want that excitement but while living. And for awhile, dreaming of building a tree house with my old landlord in an apple orchard on Halloween was sufficient. But my fantasies aren't reality. In reality I'm lazy, becoming over-weight and depressed. I know I'm at the exact place I'm supposed to be but when does that stop being true and turn into procrastination ? I'll tell you when, yesterday. I need to be more disciplined. I need to be Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver. Now, if I can just find a 14 year old hooker and a presidential candidate to assassinate my life would be good. The need for approval of others have dwindled because my connection with others have dwindled. I need to be of service to others for more than a bad example to follow. Things really aren't that bad, they could be worse. I could be drinking piss out of a Budweiser can waiting for my mom to pick me up at a music festival. You see what I did there ? Yea, I'm so clever!

MORE TO COME OF MY STRUGGLES WITH ADDICTION AND LIFE.

I think it's time to show some of the dark side of recovery. It's not always waking up loving the world and the person you've become. There are plenty of mornings I roll off the couch, that's where I fall asleep most nights,  with that same 'I can't wait for the day to be over' attitude I did while using. I still can become very antisocial. Just ask my friends. I get resentful towards everyone for nothing and that is when I'm closest to my next use or drink. Example: I was having one of those days at work. I felt overworked and under appreciated. I asked to go outside to smoke and while out there I saw a Budweiser can, empty, with maybe a half a sip of beer left. It may have even been rain water or piss. Even knowing that, it crossed my mind to drink it. In that moment, in that state of mind, that sip of beer/water/piss was worth all the hard work I've put in. Lets say there was beer in the can, what would that one sip do ? Nothing, besides make me get a bottle of whiskey and a bag of heroin. To the average person this might sound ridiculous, but I shared this at a meeting and people laughed. They didn't laugh because they thought I was crazy. They laughed because they knew what I was going through. My problem isn't drugs and alcohol, my problem is my inability to cope with, well anything! The uncomfortable social situations that arise makes me want to use or drink so if I look awkward, I'm high or drunk and don't care. All the progress I've made I'd throw out the window for a temporary release, if I don't stay focused and spiritually fit. So what does spiritually fit mean to me ? Well, not how I have been acting. I've developed the pattern of disconnecting myself from others because I find it hard to relate to them. There are maybe 2-3 people I've stayed connected with and that's because they either no what I'm going through or help motivate me.

I made a conscious decision the other day to get back on track. To be where I was a month ago. It lasted for about 24 hours and I'm back to taking 4 hour naps after work. Then smoking a few cigarettes, then going back to bed for the night. How do I get out of this rut ? I know how but I'm so content in my self-loathing behaviors that I find it nearly impossible to break. Its like how  when a friend is struggling I'm able to help them by talking to them and giving them a different point of view on things. Only I'm the friend struggling and I'm talking to myself but I'm refusing to listen to my logical side. I have all the answers, this is true, I just don't apply them in my own life. I've been resting on my laurels. I achieved so much in such little time I feel I deserve to take it easy. Theres my ego. I DESERVE to be resentful. I DESERVE to get special treatment and pretty soon it will be  I DESERVE to get high. I forgot what I had to do to get where I am today. I forgot what I had to go through to get back to treatment nearly 7 months ago. That could be another reason I'm struggling. In the past I've never made this far so everything is new grounds to me. Yea, I'm proud of my accomplishments, but I'm also fearful of the unknown. And right now my whole world is the unknown but I'm taking it one day at a time. Tomorrow's a new day with new possibilities.

MORE TO COME OF MY STRUGGLES WITH ADDICTION AND LIFE.

I had a talk with a friend today about growing up, she probably thinks I have a lot of that to do still, but that's besides the point. We got talking about being young and the thoughts that go through our sometimes delusional minds. It got me thinking how when I was young I had a fire inside me. I was who I was and if the world didn't like me then fuck them. I had a passion for music, film, politics and life. Looking back I knew very little on any of them. I liked shitty, unoriginal music. If the film wasn't dark and shocking I didn't want to see it. I subscribed to the political views that "punk" music told me to, even if f I didn't believe it or understand it. And life ? Well, I'm still figuring that one out.

When I was younger I dyed my hair, I cursed the government who lets me freely curse it. Legalize drugs ? SURE. Legalize prostitution ? SURE. I still support the legalization of free-will prostitution. Anyways, moving on. Make horribly offensive comments at the worst time possible ? I still do that just not on purpose. My point is I was unique. An individual. Why is "The Man" trying to make me conform to YOUR society ? No one will take away my individuality. Dyed hair ? Tattoos ? A fuck the world attitude ? Come to think about it I had no individuality. I was exactly like everyone else at that point. Trying so hard to not conform that we eventually conformed to a group of non-conformers. Funny, the absurdity of youth. I say youth because that's when I went through this but you still see grown adults struggling with this.

Which leads me to my next thought. We want to be unique and make the world accept us. But do we accept the world ? I realized that the world would never accept me if I didn't accept the world. If I had the attitude of "I'm not going to change for the world, the world is going to change for me." Well, I'd be a very resentful, very unemployable asshole. You know all those songs about the counter-culture in the 70's ? Where are those people today ? If they didn't die, they're very rich today. Why ? Because they grew up and realized the way the world is. That doesn't make them jaded or sell outs. It makes them adults. I used to have a lot of hatred to bands "selling out". But why ? They are making money for what they are doing. They have families and mortgages to worry about. You can't support a family playing for 30 jobless kids who come see you play. The ones that don't are usually the ones you see being dropped off at a music festival by their 80 year old mother.

I don't write these for anyone. O.K. maybe my friend Darci gets on me when I don't write for awhile, but besides her. I know my rants won't change anyone's mind because someone else's rant never changed mine. I worked with a guy who always tried telling me that one day I'd realize the things he said were true. He even said one day I was going to say I wish I listened to that crazy old man. Well, that one day has arrived. He knew then that he couldn't change my mind just like I know I can't change anyone's mind. But one day they will understand this or they will get dropped off at a music festival by their 80 year old mother.

MORE TO COME ON MY STRUGGLES WITH ADDICTION AND LIFE.OK

Fear. What is fear ? Fear is a motivator for me to do things and a motivator for me to not do things. The very first time I felt fear was as a young child when my family left me in my bouncing chair and went into another room. They might as well gone onto another planet. The fear crippled me. Ironically, my latest fears are the same. The fear of abandonment. Why do I have this fear ? I have learned to live off of barely nothing. So that means it's not the fear of losing material things. It's the fear of losing the connection that I have with others. At times that connection is down like a phone line in a hurricane. It sometimes takes weeks or months to repair, but it will be reconnected.

I often wonder why I have fears. I mean what makes certain people scared of one of thing but no another ? Was I taught my fears ? And if so, by who ? I've been taught my whole life to fear the minorities, fear the government and fear strange men. Well, I don't fear minorities, I certainly don't fear my government and I am a strange man.

On the other hand, I've been told to not be ashamed to express myself, only I can make myself happy and to always follow my heart. The weird thing is, I'm fearful to express myself out of not being accepted, I need someone else to be happy and I don't follow my heart out of fear of failure or even fear of success. So I do the things I'm not supposed to do and don't do the things I'm supposed to. If that isn't my life story.

I need to start being fearing black people, hating my government and hating creepy men and I should be alright. Wait, no, I need to start being ok with who I am as a person and realize that everyone has these fears and insecurities. I will never grow as a person if I'm afraid to fail. And if I fail, I need to pick myself up and start over. Im proud of my ability to see through skin color, I'm proud to understand why our government does the things it does and damnit, I'm proud to be a creepy man.

MORE TO COME ON MY STRUGGLES WITH ADDICTION AND LIFE

I feel like I haven't written anything in awhile so I'm going to write what I want out of life. Sure, I'd like money. I'd like to be known when I walk into a room of people in a city I've never been to. I'd like to have women fighting to just be seen with me, but we all know those things aren't likely to happen. Then I thought harder. What I want out of life is happiness. Then I have to ask myself what is happiness to me ? For me happiness is knowing yourself. The good, the bad. Knowing what makes me do the things I do and recognize it when I make mistakes. I don't understand when people have the same issues always happening in their lives and think it's some coincidence. For example, a woman who always ends up in abusive relationships. Are they attracted to that type of man ? Sure, because somewhere in their life they associated abuse with what makes a man. Why is that so hard to see ? And why don't people want to understand the human mind for what it is ?

I grew up in the mid 90s but somewhere along the way I was attracted to an older era. I Love Lucy is still today one of my favorite shows. The Brady Bunch, The Patty Duke Show, Leave it to Beaver and The Andy Griffith Show are all among my favorites. I learned the facts of life from The Facts of Life. But how did these shows of a time when things were different, less complicated form my feeble brain ? I'll tell you. It made me enjoy family values. Sure, the money was short when Patty Duke gave out candy bars for free when she was told 'I'll pay you tomorrow' and don't forget about the lessons of love from Save by the Bell. I still can't believe Kelly would do that to Zach. But it taught me that family stick together no matter what. Family shouldn't break up without a struggle like a high school relationship. There should be a sense of pride in knowing you belong to something. Marines have it because they grow a bond together from the struggle they encounter knowing they will make it through or die. Til death do us part. Maybe families should start killing people in battle.

I do understand that my idea of a family may be a fantasy but why does it have to be that way ? I think if we didn't live in such a throw away culture maybe things would be better. I don't love you anymore I want a divorce. This pregnancy will ruin my already slutty image, I'll get an abortion. Before I go on, I have no issue with abortion. Do what you need to do but accept the consequences. I don't judge people on bigger issues. I judge on your taste or lack there of. Kill a baby, kill a man, kill a baby man. Just don't ask me to join.  Man, did I get off track. My point is we give up when things get hard. I want to celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary. I want to belong to something bigger than me. Basically, I want to marry Lucille Ball and have 6 kids, a dog and a maid.

Then in dawned on me. I belong to a fellowship of men and women who share the same common goal. I belong to a world who is desperately trying to change our views on life and transcend our energy to better this world. I belong to the Earth and in some form will always be here.

Sorry if this post went all over the place. I swear I didn't smoke a joint before I wrote this. 6 months clean and sober today!!!

MORE TO COME OF MY STRUGGLES WITH ADDICTION AND LIFE

I'm going to start off where the last post ended. LIBERTAD! LIBERTAD! Nope, a little past that. When I woke up out of the drug haze, I remembered thinking how scared I was. I was surrounded by dirty, homeless alcoholics. I was better than them. I just lost control for awhile. But it dawned on me that I too, have been waking up in the same place as them. I too have problems I can't resolve on my own. If only my damn ego would get out of the way I can connect with these men on a human level. Not as an owner to a pet, you might say. Well, my ego was crushed pretty quick. Waiting in line for food, being searched to stay the night and showering with other grown, homeless men shrunk that real quick, it also shrunk my ego!

So the day I remember so vividly was the day I got kicked out. At the shelter I was at we had to sit through a 30 minute service before dinner. Well, after a full day of crack cocaine, heroin and more benzos, you can say it was a little hard to stay awake. I ate the food that was given to me and soon went outside to look for cigarette butts. Yes, cigarette butts, I'm not proud of it so don't judge. I hid my goody bag of paraphernalia and went back inside to check in for the night. That's when I was approached by two staff members and was asked to follow them. So I think I'm being rewarded with extra food or something, but they take me in a room and asked if I was under the influence. I remember being a smart ass and saying, what do YOU consider under the influence? So they grabbed my bags and started going through everything. I didn't like that. Even though I had nothing on me, that was my stuff not theirs. So we got in an argument and they kicked me out. I through all my belongings, which weren't much to begin with in a black garbage bag and hit the road.

FUCK!!! What am I going to do now ? Im walking around downtown Rockford at night in mid December. I dropped my bag to the ground and prayed to God. "God, if you're out there and haven't given up on me yet, please help me." Less than a minute later a white van pulls up and asks if I'm hungry. They give me a sack lunch and a flyer for a drug treatment program. Thats just a coincidence I thought. GOD, WHERE ARE YOU?  Then, I see a group of people standing over by the Justice Center. Not exactly my hang out but I figured there had to be a reason people are outside when its 10 degrees out. I make my way over there and find out they're waiting for a church to pick them. They were homeless too and needed a place to stay for the night. Well, since God didn't answer me I guess I'll join them. Thats how out of touch I was. My Higher Power sent me two signs and I dismissed them. It wasn't until about a month later that I looked at it that way.

Today, I get signs from my Higher Power all the time. Maybe not visual signs but definitely feelings. I know when I should do something. I know when I see someone struggling I need to help. I wish I could say I always act on those signs but I don't. My ego gets in the way and I feel like I deserve to watch The Godfather in peace while a close friend is downstairs struggling to stay sober. If Charles Manson taught one good thing to his followers, it would be to stay in the moment or the now as he called it and to deflate your ego. Ego never helped a situation.

Well I'm off to join the Manson Family, Helter Skelter!

MORE TO COME OF MY STRUGGLES WITH ADDICTION AND LIFE.