I feel like I haven't written anything in awhile so I'm going to write what I want out of life. Sure, I'd like money. I'd like to be known when I walk into a room of people in a city I've never been to. I'd like to have women fighting to just be seen with me, but we all know those things aren't likely to happen. Then I thought harder. What I want out of life is happiness. Then I have to ask myself what is happiness to me ? For me happiness is knowing yourself. The good, the bad. Knowing what makes me do the things I do and recognize it when I make mistakes. I don't understand when people have the same issues always happening in their lives and think it's some coincidence. For example, a woman who always ends up in abusive relationships. Are they attracted to that type of man ? Sure, because somewhere in their life they associated abuse with what makes a man. Why is that so hard to see ? And why don't people want to understand the human mind for what it is ?

I grew up in the mid 90s but somewhere along the way I was attracted to an older era. I Love Lucy is still today one of my favorite shows. The Brady Bunch, The Patty Duke Show, Leave it to Beaver and The Andy Griffith Show are all among my favorites. I learned the facts of life from The Facts of Life. But how did these shows of a time when things were different, less complicated form my feeble brain ? I'll tell you. It made me enjoy family values. Sure, the money was short when Patty Duke gave out candy bars for free when she was told 'I'll pay you tomorrow' and don't forget about the lessons of love from Save by the Bell. I still can't believe Kelly would do that to Zach. But it taught me that family stick together no matter what. Family shouldn't break up without a struggle like a high school relationship. There should be a sense of pride in knowing you belong to something. Marines have it because they grow a bond together from the struggle they encounter knowing they will make it through or die. Til death do us part. Maybe families should start killing people in battle.

I do understand that my idea of a family may be a fantasy but why does it have to be that way ? I think if we didn't live in such a throw away culture maybe things would be better. I don't love you anymore I want a divorce. This pregnancy will ruin my already slutty image, I'll get an abortion. Before I go on, I have no issue with abortion. Do what you need to do but accept the consequences. I don't judge people on bigger issues. I judge on your taste or lack there of. Kill a baby, kill a man, kill a baby man. Just don't ask me to join.  Man, did I get off track. My point is we give up when things get hard. I want to celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary. I want to belong to something bigger than me. Basically, I want to marry Lucille Ball and have 6 kids, a dog and a maid.

Then in dawned on me. I belong to a fellowship of men and women who share the same common goal. I belong to a world who is desperately trying to change our views on life and transcend our energy to better this world. I belong to the Earth and in some form will always be here.

Sorry if this post went all over the place. I swear I didn't smoke a joint before I wrote this. 6 months clean and sober today!!!

MORE TO COME OF MY STRUGGLES WITH ADDICTION AND LIFE