Fear. What is fear ? Fear is a motivator for me to do things and a motivator for me to not do things. The very first time I felt fear was as a young child when my family left me in my bouncing chair and went into another room. They might as well gone onto another planet. The fear crippled me. Ironically, my latest fears are the same. The fear of abandonment. Why do I have this fear ? I have learned to live off of barely nothing. So that means it's not the fear of losing material things. It's the fear of losing the connection that I have with others. At times that connection is down like a phone line in a hurricane. It sometimes takes weeks or months to repair, but it will be reconnected.

I often wonder why I have fears. I mean what makes certain people scared of one of thing but no another ? Was I taught my fears ? And if so, by who ? I've been taught my whole life to fear the minorities, fear the government and fear strange men. Well, I don't fear minorities, I certainly don't fear my government and I am a strange man.

On the other hand, I've been told to not be ashamed to express myself, only I can make myself happy and to always follow my heart. The weird thing is, I'm fearful to express myself out of not being accepted, I need someone else to be happy and I don't follow my heart out of fear of failure or even fear of success. So I do the things I'm not supposed to do and don't do the things I'm supposed to. If that isn't my life story.

I need to start being fearing black people, hating my government and hating creepy men and I should be alright. Wait, no, I need to start being ok with who I am as a person and realize that everyone has these fears and insecurities. I will never grow as a person if I'm afraid to fail. And if I fail, I need to pick myself up and start over. Im proud of my ability to see through skin color, I'm proud to understand why our government does the things it does and damnit, I'm proud to be a creepy man.

MORE TO COME ON MY STRUGGLES WITH ADDICTION AND LIFE