I'm going to start off where the last post ended. LIBERTAD! LIBERTAD! Nope, a little past that. When I woke up out of the drug haze, I remembered thinking how scared I was. I was surrounded by dirty, homeless alcoholics. I was better than them. I just lost control for awhile. But it dawned on me that I too, have been waking up in the same place as them. I too have problems I can't resolve on my own. If only my damn ego would get out of the way I can connect with these men on a human level. Not as an owner to a pet, you might say. Well, my ego was crushed pretty quick. Waiting in line for food, being searched to stay the night and showering with other grown, homeless men shrunk that real quick, it also shrunk my ego!

So the day I remember so vividly was the day I got kicked out. At the shelter I was at we had to sit through a 30 minute service before dinner. Well, after a full day of crack cocaine, heroin and more benzos, you can say it was a little hard to stay awake. I ate the food that was given to me and soon went outside to look for cigarette butts. Yes, cigarette butts, I'm not proud of it so don't judge. I hid my goody bag of paraphernalia and went back inside to check in for the night. That's when I was approached by two staff members and was asked to follow them. So I think I'm being rewarded with extra food or something, but they take me in a room and asked if I was under the influence. I remember being a smart ass and saying, what do YOU consider under the influence? So they grabbed my bags and started going through everything. I didn't like that. Even though I had nothing on me, that was my stuff not theirs. So we got in an argument and they kicked me out. I through all my belongings, which weren't much to begin with in a black garbage bag and hit the road.

FUCK!!! What am I going to do now ? Im walking around downtown Rockford at night in mid December. I dropped my bag to the ground and prayed to God. "God, if you're out there and haven't given up on me yet, please help me." Less than a minute later a white van pulls up and asks if I'm hungry. They give me a sack lunch and a flyer for a drug treatment program. Thats just a coincidence I thought. GOD, WHERE ARE YOU?  Then, I see a group of people standing over by the Justice Center. Not exactly my hang out but I figured there had to be a reason people are outside when its 10 degrees out. I make my way over there and find out they're waiting for a church to pick them. They were homeless too and needed a place to stay for the night. Well, since God didn't answer me I guess I'll join them. Thats how out of touch I was. My Higher Power sent me two signs and I dismissed them. It wasn't until about a month later that I looked at it that way.

Today, I get signs from my Higher Power all the time. Maybe not visual signs but definitely feelings. I know when I should do something. I know when I see someone struggling I need to help. I wish I could say I always act on those signs but I don't. My ego gets in the way and I feel like I deserve to watch The Godfather in peace while a close friend is downstairs struggling to stay sober. If Charles Manson taught one good thing to his followers, it would be to stay in the moment or the now as he called it and to deflate your ego. Ego never helped a situation.

Well I'm off to join the Manson Family, Helter Skelter!

MORE TO COME OF MY STRUGGLES WITH ADDICTION AND LIFE.