I think it's time to show some of the dark side of recovery. It's not always waking up loving the world and the person you've become. There are plenty of mornings I roll off the couch, that's where I fall asleep most nights,  with that same 'I can't wait for the day to be over' attitude I did while using. I still can become very antisocial. Just ask my friends. I get resentful towards everyone for nothing and that is when I'm closest to my next use or drink. Example: I was having one of those days at work. I felt overworked and under appreciated. I asked to go outside to smoke and while out there I saw a Budweiser can, empty, with maybe a half a sip of beer left. It may have even been rain water or piss. Even knowing that, it crossed my mind to drink it. In that moment, in that state of mind, that sip of beer/water/piss was worth all the hard work I've put in. Lets say there was beer in the can, what would that one sip do ? Nothing, besides make me get a bottle of whiskey and a bag of heroin. To the average person this might sound ridiculous, but I shared this at a meeting and people laughed. They didn't laugh because they thought I was crazy. They laughed because they knew what I was going through. My problem isn't drugs and alcohol, my problem is my inability to cope with, well anything! The uncomfortable social situations that arise makes me want to use or drink so if I look awkward, I'm high or drunk and don't care. All the progress I've made I'd throw out the window for a temporary release, if I don't stay focused and spiritually fit. So what does spiritually fit mean to me ? Well, not how I have been acting. I've developed the pattern of disconnecting myself from others because I find it hard to relate to them. There are maybe 2-3 people I've stayed connected with and that's because they either no what I'm going through or help motivate me.

I made a conscious decision the other day to get back on track. To be where I was a month ago. It lasted for about 24 hours and I'm back to taking 4 hour naps after work. Then smoking a few cigarettes, then going back to bed for the night. How do I get out of this rut ? I know how but I'm so content in my self-loathing behaviors that I find it nearly impossible to break. Its like how  when a friend is struggling I'm able to help them by talking to them and giving them a different point of view on things. Only I'm the friend struggling and I'm talking to myself but I'm refusing to listen to my logical side. I have all the answers, this is true, I just don't apply them in my own life. I've been resting on my laurels. I achieved so much in such little time I feel I deserve to take it easy. Theres my ego. I DESERVE to be resentful. I DESERVE to get special treatment and pretty soon it will be  I DESERVE to get high. I forgot what I had to do to get where I am today. I forgot what I had to go through to get back to treatment nearly 7 months ago. That could be another reason I'm struggling. In the past I've never made this far so everything is new grounds to me. Yea, I'm proud of my accomplishments, but I'm also fearful of the unknown. And right now my whole world is the unknown but I'm taking it one day at a time. Tomorrow's a new day with new possibilities.

MORE TO COME OF MY STRUGGLES WITH ADDICTION AND LIFE.

I had a talk with a friend today about growing up, she probably thinks I have a lot of that to do still, but that's besides the point. We got talking about being young and the thoughts that go through our sometimes delusional minds. It got me thinking how when I was young I had a fire inside me. I was who I was and if the world didn't like me then fuck them. I had a passion for music, film, politics and life. Looking back I knew very little on any of them. I liked shitty, unoriginal music. If the film wasn't dark and shocking I didn't want to see it. I subscribed to the political views that "punk" music told me to, even if f I didn't believe it or understand it. And life ? Well, I'm still figuring that one out.

When I was younger I dyed my hair, I cursed the government who lets me freely curse it. Legalize drugs ? SURE. Legalize prostitution ? SURE. I still support the legalization of free-will prostitution. Anyways, moving on. Make horribly offensive comments at the worst time possible ? I still do that just not on purpose. My point is I was unique. An individual. Why is "The Man" trying to make me conform to YOUR society ? No one will take away my individuality. Dyed hair ? Tattoos ? A fuck the world attitude ? Come to think about it I had no individuality. I was exactly like everyone else at that point. Trying so hard to not conform that we eventually conformed to a group of non-conformers. Funny, the absurdity of youth. I say youth because that's when I went through this but you still see grown adults struggling with this.

Which leads me to my next thought. We want to be unique and make the world accept us. But do we accept the world ? I realized that the world would never accept me if I didn't accept the world. If I had the attitude of "I'm not going to change for the world, the world is going to change for me." Well, I'd be a very resentful, very unemployable asshole. You know all those songs about the counter-culture in the 70's ? Where are those people today ? If they didn't die, they're very rich today. Why ? Because they grew up and realized the way the world is. That doesn't make them jaded or sell outs. It makes them adults. I used to have a lot of hatred to bands "selling out". But why ? They are making money for what they are doing. They have families and mortgages to worry about. You can't support a family playing for 30 jobless kids who come see you play. The ones that don't are usually the ones you see being dropped off at a music festival by their 80 year old mother.

I don't write these for anyone. O.K. maybe my friend Darci gets on me when I don't write for awhile, but besides her. I know my rants won't change anyone's mind because someone else's rant never changed mine. I worked with a guy who always tried telling me that one day I'd realize the things he said were true. He even said one day I was going to say I wish I listened to that crazy old man. Well, that one day has arrived. He knew then that he couldn't change my mind just like I know I can't change anyone's mind. But one day they will understand this or they will get dropped off at a music festival by their 80 year old mother.

MORE TO COME ON MY STRUGGLES WITH ADDICTION AND LIFE.OK

Fear. What is fear ? Fear is a motivator for me to do things and a motivator for me to not do things. The very first time I felt fear was as a young child when my family left me in my bouncing chair and went into another room. They might as well gone onto another planet. The fear crippled me. Ironically, my latest fears are the same. The fear of abandonment. Why do I have this fear ? I have learned to live off of barely nothing. So that means it's not the fear of losing material things. It's the fear of losing the connection that I have with others. At times that connection is down like a phone line in a hurricane. It sometimes takes weeks or months to repair, but it will be reconnected.

I often wonder why I have fears. I mean what makes certain people scared of one of thing but no another ? Was I taught my fears ? And if so, by who ? I've been taught my whole life to fear the minorities, fear the government and fear strange men. Well, I don't fear minorities, I certainly don't fear my government and I am a strange man.

On the other hand, I've been told to not be ashamed to express myself, only I can make myself happy and to always follow my heart. The weird thing is, I'm fearful to express myself out of not being accepted, I need someone else to be happy and I don't follow my heart out of fear of failure or even fear of success. So I do the things I'm not supposed to do and don't do the things I'm supposed to. If that isn't my life story.

I need to start being fearing black people, hating my government and hating creepy men and I should be alright. Wait, no, I need to start being ok with who I am as a person and realize that everyone has these fears and insecurities. I will never grow as a person if I'm afraid to fail. And if I fail, I need to pick myself up and start over. Im proud of my ability to see through skin color, I'm proud to understand why our government does the things it does and damnit, I'm proud to be a creepy man.

MORE TO COME ON MY STRUGGLES WITH ADDICTION AND LIFE

I feel like I haven't written anything in awhile so I'm going to write what I want out of life. Sure, I'd like money. I'd like to be known when I walk into a room of people in a city I've never been to. I'd like to have women fighting to just be seen with me, but we all know those things aren't likely to happen. Then I thought harder. What I want out of life is happiness. Then I have to ask myself what is happiness to me ? For me happiness is knowing yourself. The good, the bad. Knowing what makes me do the things I do and recognize it when I make mistakes. I don't understand when people have the same issues always happening in their lives and think it's some coincidence. For example, a woman who always ends up in abusive relationships. Are they attracted to that type of man ? Sure, because somewhere in their life they associated abuse with what makes a man. Why is that so hard to see ? And why don't people want to understand the human mind for what it is ?

I grew up in the mid 90s but somewhere along the way I was attracted to an older era. I Love Lucy is still today one of my favorite shows. The Brady Bunch, The Patty Duke Show, Leave it to Beaver and The Andy Griffith Show are all among my favorites. I learned the facts of life from The Facts of Life. But how did these shows of a time when things were different, less complicated form my feeble brain ? I'll tell you. It made me enjoy family values. Sure, the money was short when Patty Duke gave out candy bars for free when she was told 'I'll pay you tomorrow' and don't forget about the lessons of love from Save by the Bell. I still can't believe Kelly would do that to Zach. But it taught me that family stick together no matter what. Family shouldn't break up without a struggle like a high school relationship. There should be a sense of pride in knowing you belong to something. Marines have it because they grow a bond together from the struggle they encounter knowing they will make it through or die. Til death do us part. Maybe families should start killing people in battle.

I do understand that my idea of a family may be a fantasy but why does it have to be that way ? I think if we didn't live in such a throw away culture maybe things would be better. I don't love you anymore I want a divorce. This pregnancy will ruin my already slutty image, I'll get an abortion. Before I go on, I have no issue with abortion. Do what you need to do but accept the consequences. I don't judge people on bigger issues. I judge on your taste or lack there of. Kill a baby, kill a man, kill a baby man. Just don't ask me to join.  Man, did I get off track. My point is we give up when things get hard. I want to celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary. I want to belong to something bigger than me. Basically, I want to marry Lucille Ball and have 6 kids, a dog and a maid.

Then in dawned on me. I belong to a fellowship of men and women who share the same common goal. I belong to a world who is desperately trying to change our views on life and transcend our energy to better this world. I belong to the Earth and in some form will always be here.

Sorry if this post went all over the place. I swear I didn't smoke a joint before I wrote this. 6 months clean and sober today!!!

MORE TO COME OF MY STRUGGLES WITH ADDICTION AND LIFE

I'm going to start off where the last post ended. LIBERTAD! LIBERTAD! Nope, a little past that. When I woke up out of the drug haze, I remembered thinking how scared I was. I was surrounded by dirty, homeless alcoholics. I was better than them. I just lost control for awhile. But it dawned on me that I too, have been waking up in the same place as them. I too have problems I can't resolve on my own. If only my damn ego would get out of the way I can connect with these men on a human level. Not as an owner to a pet, you might say. Well, my ego was crushed pretty quick. Waiting in line for food, being searched to stay the night and showering with other grown, homeless men shrunk that real quick, it also shrunk my ego!

So the day I remember so vividly was the day I got kicked out. At the shelter I was at we had to sit through a 30 minute service before dinner. Well, after a full day of crack cocaine, heroin and more benzos, you can say it was a little hard to stay awake. I ate the food that was given to me and soon went outside to look for cigarette butts. Yes, cigarette butts, I'm not proud of it so don't judge. I hid my goody bag of paraphernalia and went back inside to check in for the night. That's when I was approached by two staff members and was asked to follow them. So I think I'm being rewarded with extra food or something, but they take me in a room and asked if I was under the influence. I remember being a smart ass and saying, what do YOU consider under the influence? So they grabbed my bags and started going through everything. I didn't like that. Even though I had nothing on me, that was my stuff not theirs. So we got in an argument and they kicked me out. I through all my belongings, which weren't much to begin with in a black garbage bag and hit the road.

FUCK!!! What am I going to do now ? Im walking around downtown Rockford at night in mid December. I dropped my bag to the ground and prayed to God. "God, if you're out there and haven't given up on me yet, please help me." Less than a minute later a white van pulls up and asks if I'm hungry. They give me a sack lunch and a flyer for a drug treatment program. Thats just a coincidence I thought. GOD, WHERE ARE YOU?  Then, I see a group of people standing over by the Justice Center. Not exactly my hang out but I figured there had to be a reason people are outside when its 10 degrees out. I make my way over there and find out they're waiting for a church to pick them. They were homeless too and needed a place to stay for the night. Well, since God didn't answer me I guess I'll join them. Thats how out of touch I was. My Higher Power sent me two signs and I dismissed them. It wasn't until about a month later that I looked at it that way.

Today, I get signs from my Higher Power all the time. Maybe not visual signs but definitely feelings. I know when I should do something. I know when I see someone struggling I need to help. I wish I could say I always act on those signs but I don't. My ego gets in the way and I feel like I deserve to watch The Godfather in peace while a close friend is downstairs struggling to stay sober. If Charles Manson taught one good thing to his followers, it would be to stay in the moment or the now as he called it and to deflate your ego. Ego never helped a situation.

Well I'm off to join the Manson Family, Helter Skelter!

MORE TO COME OF MY STRUGGLES WITH ADDICTION AND LIFE.

Somewhere in between the days of December 12 and December 15 I woke up in a homeless shelter. If you haven't noticed I'm usually pretty good with dates, but when a mixture of benzos, heroin and cocaine come into play, it all starts to blur.

To start the story off right I need to begin when I woke up on December 12, 2013. I got out of bed my usual 10:30am time. I got a call from a friend saying she needed money for dope and had Xanax to sell. Me, I'm supposed to be clean, even though I wasn't, I tell her I need to buy some. I gather money in ways I don't feel comfortable explaining and have her pick me up. Once I swallowed the first 3 pills I new a blackout was soon to follow. I gave them some time to kick in then went and picked up a few bags of both heroin and crack. I spend my day indulging in my sickness but make sure to save one bag for the morning. If you're an addict you know that didn't happen. I got home that night and and waited for my ex-girlfriend to pick me up. Well, she never showed so I set off on what would be an adventure in itself. Blurred vision and slurred speach I stumbled out onto the streets of Rockford. I make it a half of a block away when I found a bus stop shelter. I sat down in there and took my jacket off. The next thing I remember was being kicked by a stranger asking if I'm alive. I get off the frozen concrete and tell him I must have fallen asleep. Walking away I noticed I had the needle still sticking out of my arm. I often wonder what that person thought walking away. I don't even know if it was a man or woman. All I knew was that I had a tripple vision going on and I remember distinctly thinking how weird it was that I couldn't remember my name or where I lived. I walked downtown Rockford for an hour or so and then remembered how to get home. When I got back I poured a glass of milk that I later poured all over myself. The next thing I remember was waking up in a homeless shelter. Only I didn't know where I was. The shelter was kinda set up like the immigration camps in the beginning of the movie Scareface. Only no one was chanting "LIBERTAD LIBERTAD". But there were stabbings. That was a joke, kinda. The thing that happens next still makes me sad. I remember laughing because I knew what Bradley Nowell was going through when he wrote 'What Happened'. If you know that song you'll understand.

So there's a second part to this story that I will write later tonite maybe. It's just as depressing as this but there is a positive spin that happens the next night.

MORE TO COME OF MY STRUGGLES WITH ADDICTION AND LIFE

I recently had a long talk with a friend from Indiana that I haven't talked to in about 13 years. And the conversation quickly turned into a deep discussion about God, whatever that term means to you. I explained my views on my Higher Power which led me to write this post.

I believe in Karma. Call me a dirty hippy or a New Age kid, it doesn't bother me a bit. Truthfully, I identify more with hippies than others. Although I do wear deodorant, sometimes. AND I hate patchouli oil.

So my view on life and how to live it is to be kind to everyone. I believe everyone in the world is connected in one way or another. Maybe not directly, but our actions cause consequences ,whether good or bad. For example, I'm walking down the street and run into a homeless man who has given up on humanity. If I talk to that man and show compassion by buying him food or bumming him a few smokes then I have taken care of my need for helping others. But it doesn't stop there. Lets say that same man takes care of whatever problems he has in life and gets off the streets. Once he is off the streets he starts volunteering at a walk in clinic for underprivileged people. Then meeting someone there who offers him the opportunity to go over seas to help out. He then catches a flight to Nigeria lets say. He helps out in Nigeria with starving children. Indirectly, I helped those children by buying that man food or bumming him smokes. By me being nice that one day changed that mans perspective on life and ultimately changed another life.

Now this might be far fetched but you get my point. When my actions are positive I help the world. When my actions are negative I bring down the world. You never know how you will influence people by the smallest things you say or do. Sometimes they don't even hear you say it or see you do it, but they can just tell in your actions that you are at peace and do the right thing.

My first time in treatment I was told that I'm on the right path when I start doing the next right thing, even when no one is watching. For the longest time I'd only do the right thing, half-assed, when I knew for sure someone was watching. Not today though. I'm trying to live the best I can, with what I have and to make a difference in this world. Will I ever know if I have made a difference ? Maybe, maybe not. But if I don't try to make a difference then I am only bringing this world down.

MORE TO COME ON MY STRUGGLES WITH ADDICTION AND LIFE